The MWPP List of Things Never to Do Again
by PurpleCarrot
Summary: James, Peter, Remus, and Sirius start to make a list of mistakes that they should never make again But, in the process, they get more than a little bit offtopic and end up arguing about fishing, giggling, the Hufflepuff Common Room, and Sirius' socks.
1. Socks and Fishing with Rats

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**_The MWPP List of Things Never to Do Again_**

It was an unusually humid day for September, and the Marauders lazed around their dorm room. Remus and Peter were comparing notes from the previous day's Potions class, Sirius was lying on his bed and contemplating ways to annoy or publicly humiliate Severus Snape and James was doodling on a piece of parchment. A silly grin had spread across Sirius's features along with the plan forming in his head. He began to chuckle at his own brilliance. Well, what he thought of as brilliance. It was more like a sadistic sense of humor.

"Padfoot," James muttered. "Would you mind not giggling like a girl? It's very distracting."

Sirius' face was a picture of mock-offence. "Sirius Black does NOT giggle. I chortle, thank you very much. Chortling is much more manly." Then as an afterthought, he added, "And what exactly am I distracting you from? Sketching Ms. Evans-soon-to-be-Potter?"

The bespectacled boy put aside the parchment and stood up. He launched himself into 'Shakespearian Monologue Mode', dramatically adding hand motions and actions to accompany his sentences. "Oh, for shame, I could never replicate Lily in all her glorious, glorified glory." He snapped out of monologue mode when Remus calmly walked over and rapped James on the head with the tip of a quill.

"Excuse me, Mr. Lovesick Fool, but some people are actually studying. So unless you would like a pair of big wolf-y fangs stuck in your butt next moon, stop doing that." The werewolf cleared his throat. "And if that wasn't straight-forward enough for you, here it is in simpler terms. YOUR ACTING SUCKS, PRONGS."

James sat back down, a pout scrunching his face. He returned to his scribbles before adding another statement. "We are the greatest prank masters that Hogwarts has ever seen, right?" When Sirius and Peter nodded in agreement, he continued, "So, shouldn't we have a list of things that we should never do again? For posterity's sake." He whipped out a fresh piece of parchment and wrote "The Marauders' List of Things Never To Do Again" in large, fancy script.

"The Marauders' List of what?" Peter stared at his friend; obviously thinking the idea was insane.

James smirked and replied, "You heard me, the List of Things Never To Do Again. It could come in handy sometime. We should write down our mistakes so that we never make them again." He scribbled something down before reading it out loud. " Mr. Prongs would like to start off this list by mentioning that not all brown things are chocolate. Mr. Moony seems to forget this when he's in wolf form'."

Remus snorted. "When will that ever come in handy? Put this down beside it, 'Mr. Moony is irrevocably embarrassed by such a claim. He would like to point out that Mr. Padfoot was the one that was eating aforesaid pile of brown stuff'. I think it was dung."

Sirius sat upward quickly and objected. "I was just testing the stench of that dung pile via Padfoot's superior sense of smell. NOT EATING IT!"

"Whatever you say..." James laughed. He wrote another sentence down, declaring the words as they went down on paper. " 'Mr. Prongs requests that Mr. Padfoot keep his testosterone under control and not hit on his girlfriend'."

"Again, I object!" Sirius growled. "I don't hit on your precious little Evans."

Remus scoffed, and murmured something along the lines of, "You only hit on every other girl in the whole school."

"You're just jealous because you don't have a girlfriend." Sirius told his friend. Peter opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off by "Even Wormtail's doing better in the romance department!"

"Stop talking while I'm talking, or you'll have a rat crawling up your trousers very soon!" Peter shouted, having been trying to get a word in edgewise for the past minute.

"You'd just love to do that, wouldn't you, Pete?" Sirius was ignored by Peter, who continued speaking.

"Ahem… Anyway, I'd like to say that even though my rat tail does look like a worm, it shall never again be used as bait for fishing in the Hogwarts Lake." The small boy winced and smoothed his pants over his backside nervously, as if to protect the tail of his animal form.

Remus laughed quietly. "We caught several fish that way. And you didn't really get eaten by the Giant Squid."

"It was damn close though." James wiped his glasses on his shirt. "And it was hilarious."

Peter crossed his arms over his chest and frowned. "Some friends you are."

"Also, if one Ravenclaw female by the name of Wynne Sanstrike ever attempts to flirt with Moony," Sirius said "she will find her head stuffed in something large and very smelly."

James murmured, "Such as aforementioned pile of dung."

Sirius smirked mischievously. "Agreed. That was damn smelly to a dog, and it'll still be awful to a human. ...That girl is as subtle as a trainwreck."

"Do you all know the meaning of 'platonic friends' at all?" The werewolf growled half-heartedly. "Anyway, didn't you say that Peter was doing better than me, romance-wise? And for that comment on my lack of girl-related action, Mr. Moony condemns Mr. Prongs to not be able to make out with Lily Evans for one whole month."

James' jaw dropped in shock and he buried his face in his hands. "NOOOO! Not the snogging privileges!"

Peter ignored his friend and said, "On another point, never follow a Hufflepuff into their Common Room. It is decorated far too happily to be considered good for your health."

"…Also, don't ask why Wormtail was in the Hufflepuff Common Room in the first place." Sirius added.

"I was there for study help!" Peter exclaimed in response to odd looks from the three others.

James raised one eyebrow questioningly. "Then you would have gone to the Ravenclaws."

"Or me." Remus said.

Sirius nodded in agreement. "Or Remus."

The room was unusually silent for a good amount of time, before James began writing on the List again. "Seeing as no one has told me anything more to put on the List, I leave you with this piece of brilliance. 'Severus Snape smells like a mixture of wet dog fur and bubotuber pus that has been simmered in one of Padfoot's oldest and most unwashed socks.' "

The other black-haired boy glared at James and snarled, "Screw you, Prongs. I wash my socks…. most of the time."


	2. Silver in Cereal

Review, please. :o)

**Additions to the List made through notes between Remus and Sirius during double potions with the Slytherins.**

Never use hair dye. Mr. Padfoot would like to state the fact that Lucius Malfoy uses hair dye and that is a good enough reason to never touch the stuff.

_You're just jealous that his hair is shinier than yours. And that he's dating a beautiful girl._

Shut up.

_No. Also, he's a good dancer._

I can dance!

_In theory, you know how to dance. But when you do dance, you look like an angry whale in heat._

I command you to shut the hell up! What are you, the Lucius Malfoy Fan Club?

_It helps to know about people.  
This is a list of things never to do again…When have you colored your hair?_

That one time when I had pink hair with green stripes for two weeks…

_You told us the Slytherins attacked you and charmed your hair! Liar. _

Well, of course I'm a liar. This is the Great Sirius Black you're talking about.

_The 'Great Sirius Black' is pure self-absorption formed into a human. And your socks still stink. I can smell them from here and you still have your shoes on._

I told you, it's my feet that I don't wash, not the shoes.

_Fine then, your feet smell.  
Also, I would like to add something to the List. Never listen to your friends when they tell you there is silver in your breakfast cereal._

But there is!

_It's **IRON** in the cereal and you know it._

Hmph.

_Also, Mr. Moony wishes that you not play on his phobias that way. It freaks him out very much._

Mr. Padfoot agrees to do so, as long as you stop giving his Christmas wish list to every girl in our year. Presents are nice, but fifty owls pelting you with the same gift is far too much.

_Mr. Moony heartily agrees. But it was funny to watch. You were almost drowned in wrapping paper._

Just. Shut. Up. PLEASE.

_I laugh at you! Ha-ha-ha. HA-HA HO-HO.  
_

MOONY, SHUT UP BEFORE I CUT OFF YOUR WRITING HAND!

_Shallow threats do nothing to me! Anyhow, if you do that, I'll learn to write with the other hand.  
Tee-hee ho-ho ha-ha._


End file.
